Unlike the rest of the Doctors of Za, who came from places with exotic names like “Milwaukee,” “La Crosse,” “Menasha”, and later ended up at UW-Oshkosh, I was actually brought up in Oshkosh’s fertile crescent of booze, boats and substandard housing, and then stayed in town to go to the university where the Doctors of Za first started our mating rituals. So when that pill-head T-Mario starts telling you how Oshkosh has only three great pizza places—Cranky Pat’s (which is just expensive frozen pizza), West End Pizza (which is named as such because you leave the end of your anus in the toilet after you eat it, and anuses flush in a westward direction) and Ratch & Debs (I lived in literal walking distance from here for 17 years and never ate it, so I guess it could be good)—I feel I’m the only doctor than can set that fool straight. Read more »

1440 Oneida St.
Appleton, WI 54915
920-830-8336

http://www.wiseguysappleton.com

When I’m in Appleton, WI I mainly like to do three things. First on my list is leave. My second favorite time killer is seeing how drunk I can get before getting my ass kicked or ending up in the Appleton Police Department’s holding cell. This has provided me many years of entertainment. My other favorite thing to do is eat pizza. With gems such as Stuc’s and Frank’s (plus Cranky Pat’s just a little bit south) you really can’t go wrong. When I visited Appleton most recently my friend and Appleton local, David Joseph Kiley, got me hip to a new joint. Wiseguys Pizzeria & Pub.
Read more »

While most people have never heard of the place, there are actually quite a few things the small town of Winneconne is known for. The most interesting is the fact that the city seceded from Wisconsin after being left off a state map in 1967. The secession was basically a big joke and only lasted one day, but they still hold a Sovereign State Days festival every year. There’s also the restaurant shaped like a steamboat that seems to draw a lot of people even though it kind of sucks. But if you’re looking for some real Winneconne pizza, look no further than the Village Pub.
Read more »

I probably visited the Appleton branch of the Boston’s Gourmet Pizza chain more than any other pizza place for the few years that they were open. No one could ever understand it; almost all of my friends and family had different experiences with absolutely terrible customer service, yet I continued to dine there. It’s amazing what I’m willing to overlook for some tasty slices.

The magic was all in their sauce. If they told me it was made out of leprechauns and cocaine, I’d probably have said ‘Yeah, that makes sense.’ I continued coming back even after the time that my companion and I ate almost an entire pizza without plates (normally they give you these shortly after you order). For whatever reason, they just couldn’t find and keep competent waitstaff. But goddamn did they make some awesome pizza. Read more »

Most of my encyclopedic illicit drug knowledge is based not on personal experience, but through Wu-Tang and Clipse albums and The Wire. Scratch that, all of my encyclopedic illicit drug knowledge is based not on personal experience, but through Wu-Tang and Clipse albums and The Wire. However, over my increasingly less productive 23 years, I’ve readily ingested one addictive substance with the reckless abandon reserved for coke fiends: the sauce at Stuc’s in Appleton.

See, the sauce (and by extension, the pizza) at Stuc’s is like my grade-A blast of heroin, and every other pizza is a weak shit substitute that’s been stepped on with a large amount of baking soda. Frozen pizzas? Those might as well be skunkweed compared to Stuc’s. Pizza pockets? I’d get a better high from mouthwash (if I keep stretching this metaphor). Read more »

There’s a reason why there isn’t an exterior shot of Cheyenne’s on the bar’s Web site — it’s built into the bottom a fucking parking ramp. Holy shit, does this place have an undesirable location. And it’s too bad because Cheyenne’s pizza is pretty much awesome. Yet the understated Appleton sports bar goes widely without notice by both the area’s hungry and its thirsty.

To give you a better idea of what I mean, have you ever seen the movie Uncle Buck? Well, you know that bitchy daughter who, beneath her cuntish reaction to her family leaving Indianapolis, you realized was going to be totally hot eventually? (She’s older than me, so it’s cool). Well, that same girl, who – all grown up - you now squeeze off to when watching Yes, Dear on days your Internet connection is slow at 2 p.m., is Cheyenne’s pizza in this simile. The decaying parking ramp, drifters and ever-present road construction surrounding Cheyenne’s is like the mom in Uncle Buck. What a unfortunate looking woman she was. Seriously, I’d rather bang John Candy… now.

Anyway, back to Cheyenne’s…
Read more »

Sometimes the best gifts come in the most shitty-looking and florescent green packages.

Muncheez Pizza LLC perfectly exemplifies the term “hole in the wall”, not only because there are actually holes in their wall, but because it seems like a place more likely to give you scabies than a good meal. But for the Fox Cities residents that have managed to vanquish their preconceptions of  the unfortunate-looking business, there exists a unique, affordable and delicious gem in the Appleton pizza scene.
Read more »

I have no reason to love Cranky Pat’s Pizzeria – but I do.

As a college student, I was one of the Oshkosh location’s inaugural cooks. It was a fun enough college job, and I worked with a group of great people. But I was also laid off during the holidays and routinely sent home an hour into my shift to save a few bucks; I reeked of oregano after every work day; I was scheduled to cook for Town Motel prostitutes and tactless frat rejects on the weekend night shift (6 p.m. to 4 a.m.) when I could’ve otherwise been getting shitfaced or having unprotected sex with my pro-choice then-girlfriend.

I was eventually fired from my $7.00/hr job at Cranky’s a scheduling oversight, thus ending a smelly, often frustrating, but unforgettable period of my life. I wouldn’t do it again, but I’m happy I worked there both for the memories it provided and – more so – for the opportunity to regularly stuff myself on the Fox Valley’s best pizza.
Read more »