Sometimes when I’m sitting around, once again bored in the lonely existence that my life’s decisions have brought about, I simply type the word “pizza” into a YouTube search and see what comes up. Now and again — amid the Coldplay fan covers, “epic fails” and clips of that “Snooki” girl getting laid out by some assclown that comprise about 94 percent of YouTube videos — I’ll stumble on to something kind of pizza-related that I feel is worth writing about. It’s one of my more attractive characteristics, I assure you.

In the past, I’ve deconstructed a Jonas Brothers video, and posted a list of decent pizza clips during times when the site’s activity was down … or when I didn’t foresee eating at a new pizza place in the near future. Today is no different. I happened upon this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tribute clip that uses the song “Pizza Power” as background music.

Previously being known as a cold-blooded species with a, like, 200-year life span, who’s slow ass beat some dickhead rabbit in a race one time — the fictional addition of toxic waste to the boring-ass testudines (of the reptilia class) proved all the difference in making one of the nerdiest animals in Mother Nature’s womb into a lovably badass marketing monsoon.

Being a 25-year-old Midwestern dude, I grew up in the heyday of turtles. And I bought into the hype. My Turtle love prompted my parents to waste much of their meger astronaut and first female senator of Wisconsin salaries on plastic (probably lead-based paint) toys. I saw all the movies; my ratty, likely rectangular lunchroom pizza-stained, sweatpants probably routinely tightened at the thought of both the animated and motion picture April O’Neal; I wasted countless report card tokens at my local Shakey’s in effort to beat the Turtles arcade game; I even forgave the show’s creators for making me acknowledge famous painters, when all I wanted to do was kick some ass and spew out already-tired buzzwords.

Looking back at TMNT through this clip, I wonder how I could ever let myself get this involved in something so half-baked and nonsensical. I can’t deny that this franchise played at least a part in the person I am today — which is probably why I’m a complete loser. Appreciate it as I did, looking at it now, I’m left with more questions and criticisms about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles than I am nostalgic appreciation of it. Among them:

• Why are they so ripped? Beyond drinking Blatz sometimes and standing too close to microwave when I’m really hungry, I don’t have much experience subjecting my body to harsh toxins. But I seriously doubt toxic waste’s only impact on a creature would be giving its shell a six-pack and pecs that would make Andre the Giant blush, along with the ability speak, move quickly and grow to a human height. Compared to the turtles, the real-life humans who’ve been exposed to similar chemicals got the short end of super power stick… unless you think thyroid cancer and chromosomal abbreviation would be especially useful in defeating Shredder. 

• Raphael is the best turtle. Fact. Everybody I knew loved Leonardo or Michelangelo. I never got why. Sure, Leo was the best fighter and had the best weaponry, but he was a know-it-all dick who just bossed around the other turtles. He was flawless, which gets annoying to watch when you’re a fat 8-year-old with a stupid haircut and constantly chapped lips. And yeah, Michelangelo was the coolest turtle with his So-Cal dialect, his laid back demeanor  and his undying love for pizza. But I’m pretty sure he was legally retarded too. He’s like the Matt Dillon of mutated reptiles. 

Donatello was a straight up doucher (“I like inventing awesome shit and analysing things to no end, but choose to use a glorified STICK as my weapon of choice.”), but Raphael was the perfect balance of each turtle. He was the funniest, not the worst in battle, witty as hell and had a badittude like no other.

I’d like to think if they did a Turtles Go To College series, Raph would sink a shit-ton of pink and get drunk on the reg, Michelangelo would flunk out one semester in, Leo would die during a frat hazing ritual and Donatello would  transfer to a better school after getting his generals out of the way.

Hmm... it seems like more chicks should dig me.

• April O’Neil… not very hot. I know that redheads with berthing hips are a relative rarity, but what’s with that haircut? Not to mention that dehydrated-piss yellow jumpsuit she always wore. Is she do-able? Fucking A, she is… but I don’t know if her ass is worth saving 200 times in the series. However, I have to say, I appreciate her stance on eating out.

The trenchcoats never worked as a disguise. A 4-foot-tall turtle donning an open trench coat and a fidora makes the cliched two people in a horse costume seem like a passable disguise by comparison. Your skin is still green and largely exposed, turtles! At least get a fake beard of something.

What’s with the pizza? The “Pizza Power” video above fittingly shows the mutated teen turtles scarfing down an assload of Za. I’ve never seen pizza that 1. Is stackable, 2. Has only one pepperoni or piece of sausage per slice, 3. Has cheese so abundant and stringy… it looks like caulk with 100 fat grams, 4. Could be thrown like a Frisbee or rapidly spun without flying the fuck apart. 

Plus, no matter how physically taxing the ninja lifestyle may be, eating pizza for every meal (especially such liberally cheesy pizza) would take a toll on the inexplicably buff turtle exteriors. I eat pizza like once a week and I have a flat tire and 1.5 chins. TMNT lied to me! Who would’ve ever expected a fictional television series that depicted chemically-contaminated talking turtles as ninjas with insanely high metabolism levels might have a few inaccuracies? 

Turtle Power? I’m beginning to doubt it.

Column, Ninja Turtles, Pizza Power, T. Mario