Abu’s has been treating Milwaukee to authentic Middle Eastern cuisine for more than 30 years. Since 1977, the microscopic restaurant’s delicious food has earned it countless local dining awards, and at one point mention among the country’s best Middle Eastern restaurants. As far as I can tell, Abu’s in Milwaukee is the third most notable Abu on Earth, behind that monkey from Aladdin and that prison where Americans took those creepy and disgusting pictures with prisoners.
Last summer, Abu’s ownership changed hands, and immediately updated its menu with everybody’s favorite Mid-East delicacy — weird pizza.
As a lover of both Middle Eastern cuisine and pizza, I knew I had to try this. I finally made the always-annoying drive down Farwell and — somehow resisting getting a breakfast burrito and beermosa from nearby Comet instead — stepped into Abu’s to have my kind-of-gross-looking pizza cherry torn asunder. With only two heat-lamp wilted pizzas to choose from, I opted for a slice of Chicken Shawerma Pizza, which the menu describes to be “Chicken Shawerma, tomatoes, parsley, mozzarella cheese with Abu’s Tahini Olive Oil and Garlic Sauce.”
THE GOOD: Despite my weathered, end-of-lunch rush slice looking like the pizza equivalent of one of those stay at home moms who goes tanning all the time, the crust/bottom really held up well. In that sense, it was unlike any other pizza I’ve eaten. It was buttery and crispy, but crumbled in the most delightful way when chewed. It was like a warm English muffin had an affair with an authentic French Baguette and they had a baby. Then the baby grew up to be really hot, dressed slutty all the time and fucked the entire high school baseball team. And you were on the high school baseball team.
Beyond that, I thought the unorthodox sauce was tasty and unique… though it didn’t help in reminding me I was apparently eating pizza. And for $2.99/slice or — better yet — $9.99 for an entire 16” pizza with your choice of toppings, any of Abu’s pizza is worth the gamble. Also, they exclusively carry Lo-Carb Monster, which is the best thing on the planet, as their only energy drink.
THE BAD: I feel like I got a raw deal with my slice being reminiscent of a dried up old cooch that was breathed on by an old man with gingivitis then put in the dryer for 45 minutes, but the chicken looked and tasted rather unappetizing. It was brownish-black and ranged from rubbery to dry. The tomatoes retained their taste a bit better, but (again, due to the heat lamp overexposure) looked like some kind of anal-sex-related mishap. And as an owner of teeth, I found the presence of parsley was just more annoying than anything.
TRY: Falafel plate with a side of Hummos. For those of you with little exposure to Middle Eastern food, it is the cat’s pajamas. I’d agree to fuck a bowl of pudding on film to be shown at all of my future Menasha High School reunions if I was promised free Middle Eastern for life. And Abu’s is allegedly the state’s oldest restaurant serving Middle Eastern food… so they must be doing something right. For people who like Middle Eastern cuisine, but also enjoy pizza… the Za warrants a try too, mostly because it’s cheap and a bit off the beaten path. And I’d assume it’s significantly better when fresh.
RATING: I’m pretty sure I made this face the entire time I was eating my slice.
