New motto: "We used to over bleach our water."
Steny’s calls itself “A Milwaukee Phenomenon” on its Web site. Beyond the fact that it still considers itself a phenomenon after being cited for six critical health violations, there’s nothing remotely phenomenal about Steny’s.
After Ronnie and I sampled a Steny’s slice (which he likened to “a dried fetus”) during the Iron Pizza Competition, we decided to give it a fair trial Monday… after finding out that Maria’s and The Olive Pit were both closed. Upon arriving, there was an early sign that this wouldn’t be a great experience. Not so much a feeling, a signal or an omen — a literal sign.
Walking into the gaudy brick establishment, I spotted a sign. A dress code, to be exact. That’s right, Steny’s — a glorified townie bar that was recently cited for a half dozen health violations; a place chock full of such classy accoutrements as pinball machines, Bud Light neon signs and a wooden placard above the entrance saying, “You should be here!” — has a dress code.
At the risk of making an unfair assumption here, I’m pretty sure Steny’s management wants to keep certain clientele, or at least a broad and unfair stereotype of said clientele, out.
It reads [sic]:
- All hats must be worn straight
- No athletic clothing
- No baggy jeans/pants/shorts
- No loose medallions or chains
- All jewelry tucked in
- No tank tops
- No profane T-shirts
- No head gear or “do rags”
Not only was this off-putting and slightly offensive to me, but it also sucked dick because I had to go home and change clothes.
Shit, yo!
Still, we decided to enter the now-sketchy business in hopes of eating a pizza good enough to justify the nonsensical dress code and implicit racism. Speaking for Ronnie, we didn’t. But it was close. We hunkered down and placed our order for a tomato, mushroom and feta pizza.
THE GOOD: At first bite I said something along the lines of, “This is like a really good frozen pizza.” But as I ate on, I enjoyed it more and more with each bite. The crust was crispy on the outside, but fluffy in the middle; the blend of feta and mozzarella was perfect to be both salty and properly bitter; the sauce was supremely tangy, and was paramount to the pizza’s continual improvement. For a place seemingly not too into diversity, they weren’t skimpy with their spreading of toppings.
THE BAD: Beyond the lame ass dress code, the bar specials are weak ($10.75 for a pitcher of Riverwest Stein during happy hour). And though good, pizza wasn’t incredibly affordable either at $16.50 for a large two-topping. For being a middle of the road tavern with a pretty good food menu, there are probably a dozen better bars and restaurants in a square mile.
TRY: Going in there with an untucked loose medallion, “do rag” and baggy jean shorts. Me trying that would involve me going to Steny’s again… and not being a huge pussy. So I throw this to you, Patients of Za.
In all, Steny’s has pretty good pizza, but for a boastful, exclusive and – in all other ways – average bar and grill, the za isn’t worth the bullshit atmosphere and is just barely worth the price.
RATING: Any 2Pac album released after his (alleged) death, only with better sauce.
December 17th, 2009 at 11:02 am
I’m willing to chalk up that ‘dried fetus’ thing up to the conditions of the competition. I really enjoyed the pizza, even if I had to turn my “FUCK YOU” t-shirt inside out.
December 18th, 2009 at 11:08 am
“a place chock full of such classy accouterments as pinball machines, Bud Light neon signs and a wooden placard above the entrance saying, “You should be here!”” sounds like my bedroom.
December 23rd, 2009 at 4:28 pm
[...] jumped at it. Unfortunately Maria’s is closed on Mondays, so T. Mario and I had to settle for Steny’s instead. But less than a week later we made a second attempt that was moderately more [...]