You can’t help but respect the Jonas Brothers. Not many can win the acclaim of the planet, make millions of dollars, and have all the celebrity trim they could handle — and turn it down in the name of God? — all without ever knowing how to actually play music. “Pizza Girl”, 141 seconds of audio gout, perfectly illustrates this point. Its lackluster musicianship and recycled video concept nearly ruin the good name of pizza.

Let’s watch together and critique, shall we?
 

[After whistling and a short intro with no bass player in sight, the drummer manages to both sing AND play the simplest drum beat known to man]

“Love showed up at my door yesterday.”
You’re late. I’m not paying full price unless you throw in free crazy bread. Or your heart… baby.

[Meanwhile you'll notice either the Jonas Brothers have shrunken in size OR this pizza girl is a motherfucking GIANT of a woman. I've never seen this (in a Lit music video 11 years ago) before.] 

 ”It might sound cheesy…”
Ooooohhhh… cheesy? Pizza girl? I see what you did there.

“… but I wanted her to stay”
When I was in college, my roommate (DoZ contributor “St. Pizza”) devised a method for getting his pizza girl to stay. Step 1: Realize over weeks of Topper’s stick ordering that she’s a total pot head who hates her job/life. Step 2: Offer her beer. She’ll drink like four and write her number on the pizza box for you before stumbling out to do more deliveries. Lil Jonas should try that. Or tell her he’s a Jonas Brother. That should do the trick, unless she doesn’t have bad taste in music.

[At this point "Pizza Girl" uses her giant ladle to spread sauce on the crust. OH SHIT!!! Careful, bitch, the Jonas Bros are down there!]

“I fell in love with the pizza … girl”
This is where I get hung up. With the pause between “pizza” and “girl”, it seems like they’re saying “I fell in love with the pizza, girl.” Like they’re telling the girl they fell in love with the pizza. It might sound strange, but I constantly tell girls if and when I fall in love with pizzas I eat. 

But more than likely, they’re telling us — the unfortunate viewer — that they love this girl who tries to manslaughter them while making pizza. I guess they didn’t notice that she left much of the crust without sauce, and is now starting to put cheese on top. That’s a dealbreaker, ladies!

“Now I eat pizza every day.”
Nice! I tried that once and totally got a love-handle from it. Now I’m out of shape and need to take breaks during even the simplest tasks, like shitting or breathing. But you’re famous, so you can probably pull a Travolta and still be OK in the lady department… should you ever want to get those holier than thou dicks of yours wet, that is. 

[Shitty pizza girl drops a buttload of shredded cheese on the ugliest Jew-fro'ed Jonas. HE'S DEAD!!! Oh, wait... no he's not. Nuts.

Here come the olives. Meanwhile, she's smiling though all this. This is no accident. This is attempted murder. Prison won't be kind to an ass so fine.]

“I was stuck in a box for so long.”
Sweet. That brings me back to days before my pizza-conveyed love-handle. Perfect timing for when the meat starts dropping.

[Lil Jonas aggressively screams "NOW!!!" and I laugh because he's an effeminate douche.]

Check out the 1:47 mark. Is that the worst looking late-term abortion of a pizza you’ve ever seen? Sauce sporadically dolloped, ‘ronis scattered about with no regard for topping/slice symmetry, and oregano put on LAST. What a fucking nightmare. AND YOU LOVE THIS GIRL?!? I can understand the wanting to murder you part, but she’s ruining this pizza. 

The chorus repeats a few times and she puts them in the oven, along with that plastic protector thing pizza places use for deliveries. So the moral of the story is something like… don’t eat pizza made by a gigantic blood thirsty girl whom you love. You will die, and all that will remain is your ant-sized charred corpse, some melted plastic and a concept for a terrible song. And a possibly worse blog post about the song.

"Pizza Girl", FJM/KSK Style, Jonas Brothers, T. Mario