I used to have a long-running argument with an ex-friend about how, while pizza as we know it may have been “created” in America, it wasn’t inaccurate to call it Italian, because it was the Italian immigrants who made it here, not those dirty potato eating Irish. But he was stupid, so he said it didn’t matter that Italians in America made it, it was only American cuisine. Apparently his definition of what makes food of a certain culture is similar to how South American countries view territory disputes (look that shit up, I don’t have time to explain that metaphor here).

Why did I bring up a fight I had with a douche I don’t even talk to any more? Well, because Pizza di Roma, one of the less reputable pizza joints on Madison’s State Street, unlike about every other pizza place in Madison save Paisan’s, is 100% about referencing Italy. I mean, they’ve got Roma in the fucking name. Plus a prerequisite to working there seems to be that you have to be Italian (or at least Mexican) and have a love of hair oil and Italian soccer team t-shirts. Which probably makes Pizza di Roma the most authentic pizza joint in all of Madison. That is if you have a logical definition of what makes for “authentic” Italian pizza. Read more »

443 Knickerbocker Ave.
Brooklyn, NY 11237
(718) 455-9664

New York City is known for many things. Rats, jerks, Jay-Z, and pizza. Within 2 minutes of exiting the van in Bushwick I saw 3 of the 4. Tony’s Pizzeria was mere steps from where I parked my mobile home for 2 weeks (Red Knife Lottery’s tour van). We didn’t arrive to NYC until about 1 am and Tony’s had been closed for hours. Instead the girls we were staying with, Lauren, Lauren, and Carolyn, took us to a 4 am bar some blocks away called Gotham City. On the way back I asked one of the Laurens about Tony’s and she assured me that it was fantastic.
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http://www.pizzasola.com
1417 E Carson St
Pittsburgh, PA
(412) 481-3888

I’ve never been to Pittsburgh before but Chris from Red Knife Lottery spent months in the place. When I was out with them on a short tour I asked for his expert advice when looking for a pizza joint. He didn’t know. I then looked toward the locals for a hint. Brandon, a good friend and drummer from Pittsburgh hardcore band Girl Fight, highly recommended Pizza Sola. We had already been drinking at Dee’s bar which was only a few short blocks away so I gathered some friends and we headed down.
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As far as I’m concerned, there are only two reasons people go to The Cheesecake Factory. 1. They’re going to prom. 2. They want to get their genitals played with. Since I haven’t done either of those things in months, I consider it odd that I recently found myself dining at the Milwaukee location of this famed franchise. But there I was, in the immense chain eatery in all its implied better-than-TGI Friday’s decadence.

Despite the rarefied air of, like, every girl’s favorite restaurant, I didn’t relent to the pressure of trying some fancy ass almond-crusted- or lemon pepper-type dish — or even the cheesecake North America has been slinging jizz over since 1978. Single-minded as I am, I was there to eat up some motherfucking pizza.
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Pizza transcends the realm of food. More than any other edible, it’s malleable and accessible to a number of genres: Humor, adventure and song, to name just a few. Think about it, have you ever heard a song about a lollipop or watched a Saturday Night Live skit based around Sloppy Joe’s?

Oh. You have? Well, fuck it, pizza is still better. As I prepare my gunt for a Fox Cities pizza-eating marathon this Thanksgiving weekend, I’m taking a temporary step back from reviews this week to, instead, post some of the kind-of funny, moderately entertaining and/or semi-sing-along-able pizza-related videos on the Web to tide you over during this short week.
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Village Pizza
2356 W Chicago Ave.
(between Oakley Blvd & Western Ave)
Chicago, IL 60622

I’ve been visiting Village Pizza in Chicago’s Ukrainian Village for a couple years now and I don’t know why I keep going back. I recently spent roughly 2 weeks on the road with my good friends and fantastic musicians Red Knife Lottery. They are a Milwaukee based band but their guitar player, Dan, resides in Chicago. Dan also happens to be one of my best friends which finds me in Chicago more often than I’d actually like. He, like myself and my za doctor friends, is a big fan of drinking and we get about as drunk as you can get while I’m visiting.
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I probably visited the Appleton branch of the Boston’s Gourmet Pizza chain more than any other pizza place for the few years that they were open. No one could ever understand it; almost all of my friends and family had different experiences with absolutely terrible customer service, yet I continued to dine there. It’s amazing what I’m willing to overlook for some tasty slices.

The magic was all in their sauce. If they told me it was made out of leprechauns and cocaine, I’d probably have said ‘Yeah, that makes sense.’ I continued coming back even after the time that my companion and I ate almost an entire pizza without plates (normally they give you these shortly after you order). For whatever reason, they just couldn’t find and keep competent waitstaff. But goddamn did they make some awesome pizza. Read more »

Urbandictionary.com features a definition of a pizza slut as “a girl that works at Pizza Hut who gets fucked a lot by different men.” There’s even a mock dialogue added for clarification:

Employee: Let me stuff your crust, Pizza Slut.

Pizza Slut: Ok!

Pretty rough, especially since I consider myself a bit of a pizza slut and I’m neither a woman nor a former Pizza Hut employee. It seems there are enough patrons of Ian’s Pizza in Madison that feel the same way, enough to warrant an Ian’s “Pizza Slut” t-shirt, anyways. And Ian’s has the kind of pizza that is definitely worth hoeing it up for. Read more »

You can’t help but respect the Jonas Brothers. Not many can win the acclaim of the planet, make millions of dollars, and have all the celebrity trim they could handle — and turn it down in the name of God? — all without ever knowing how to actually play music. “Pizza Girl”, 141 seconds of audio gout, perfectly illustrates this point. Its lackluster musicianship and recycled video concept nearly ruin the good name of pizza.

Let’s watch together and critique, shall we?
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Most of my encyclopedic illicit drug knowledge is based not on personal experience, but through Wu-Tang and Clipse albums and The Wire. Scratch that, all of my encyclopedic illicit drug knowledge is based not on personal experience, but through Wu-Tang and Clipse albums and The Wire. However, over my increasingly less productive 23 years, I’ve readily ingested one addictive substance with the reckless abandon reserved for coke fiends: the sauce at Stuc’s in Appleton.

See, the sauce (and by extension, the pizza) at Stuc’s is like my grade-A blast of heroin, and every other pizza is a weak shit substitute that’s been stepped on with a large amount of baking soda. Frozen pizzas? Those might as well be skunkweed compared to Stuc’s. Pizza pockets? I’d get a better high from mouthwash (if I keep stretching this metaphor). Read more »